Many of you know the joys of playing console games online. You probably play with fellow co-workers, neighbors, relatives, friends, classmates, whatever. There's nothing quite like playing a game that contains the ability to hop in with one of your fellow friends listers in some violent co-op play. Maybe you enjoy getting a room full of friends and laying a good old fashioned smack down to the other team in Call of Duty 4. Maybe you enjoy some co-op t-hunt tea bagging in Rainbow Six Vegas. Possibly some online demolition derby in Forza 2. Any way you do it, it's pretty enjoyable with a room full of people who know what they're doing.
But many of you know the noobs, douche bags, just plain ass bags that join in with you also. Well to help you know just who you are playing with, I've compiled a simple guide to just who is on the other end of that mic and what to expect.
Typical 12 year old gamer, and stock holder in Twinkies and Clearasil. Annoying fat fuck. This little, big fella leads a lonely life. The kids at school call him a porker and he usually sits at the lunch table by himself, reads comic books, still plays with collectible action figurines and violently masturbates to something on the Disney channel that contains a young female actress. He usually has a little nerd buddy that is a 3rd the size of him and takes out his frustration from the fellow students cruelness on him. But, if his little buddy gets pissed at him, he knows that's his only friend and offers him half a Twinkie to let him know that he's just breaking his balls. Playing on-line is a relief because nobody knows what he looks like or how old he is. He decides he will be as annoying as fuck and will make stupid sounds while playing, start singing a stupid internet song, talk about totally owning a noob, or just something else just as annoying. Usually has a gamer tag like: n00b0wn3r96, ha10ma5t3r, narutofan, or something with the name monkey in it. He normally tries to get the most points and will accidentally shoot his teammates without apologizing. He is to be avoided at all costs.
The geek douche nozzle. Vast collection of pocket protectors and D&D master. This particular subject gets offended by vulgar language but gets his rocks off at Star Wars references and World of War Craft jokes. Not a real online threat but VERY fucking annoying. He will usually talk about playing Fable or Oblivion when you are playing a game that has nothing to do with those types of genres. Will also talk about how game physics are represented incorrectly than in the real world. Also has a very annoying laugh. Gamer tags normally show up as BobaFett99, AnakinFan125, billgates2008, and possibly kling_on_master.
The hardcore 12 year old wigger gangsta. Actually scared of black people. This waste of sperm usually hails from parts of the U.S. where there is a population of less than .001% African Americans. He may have encountered one some time in his life and probably hid behind his mother while she was pushing the shopping cart at Wal-Mart. Has a very vulgar mouth and applies it online where it's not needed. Over emphasizes his knowledge in Ebonics in a high pitched prepubescent voice and let's you know that he's a joke without actually seeing him play. To be avoided at all costs and/or banned from any server he is playing in. Gamer tags: 2pacisalive, weedsmoka420, jordan420.
The Token Black Guy. Like his 40's. Usually calm in his demeanor and funny to play with. However if another token black guy joins, you have know idea what the fuck they are talking about. Generally gets angry quickly and leaves the match. They are very hard to come by in the world of on line gaming, so not a lot of data can be gathered on this subject. but they do say fuck and "sheeit" alot. Gamer tags: makavelli420, airjordan23, whodat99.
The fugly hot sounding chick. You probably played with yourself while playing with her. You have probably entered a room and noticed something unusual... a girl's voice. And your thinking to yourself, she probably is about 18 or 19, weighs about 100 pounds, has some sexy haircut, maybe a nose or eyebrow piercing. In other words, she probably looks as hot as hell. All of the perverted douchebags in the room are trying to bullshit with her, try to talk themselves up about how good they are, maybe hand out their myspace address. But above you is the truth. Behind that sweet little voice is a hairy mound of woman waiting to french you with her cookie duster. Come on, what hot chick is going to be playing video games with a bunch of tweens unless it's a cruel joke, or she's trying to screw up her brother's or boyfriends score. Face it, there are maybe a total of 5 hot chicks that probably play online. And chances are you will never meet one. Their as common as unicorns. Gamer tags: sexigurl69, sweetlips69, angelgurlie69.
Mr. Know It All ass hat. Masturbates with the glove. This is that guy that tells you where to go, how to shoot the enemy, what you're doing wrong, when to shoot, why you didn't do good...etc. But he doesn't do it to help you, he does it to belittle you in front of the other gamers to make himself look like Mr.Cool. And he does it in his whiny little voice. He's just annoying and should be avoided since he's a dick wad. Gamer tags: e1nst3in2008, 5tarwar5f4n, anything that has a trigonometry reference.
The mystery man. He's there, but he's not. Maybe the most annoying person online that you can't talk to. this person either doesn't have a mic or just doesn't want to plug it in. A real pain in the ass when you are trying to tell them where you were killed or where the final enemy is. Runs around the game like a fucktard because HE DOESN'T HAVE A MIC! He may be a great player, but it's hard to rely on someone when you can't describe to them on what to do. He's mainly hated by the MR. Know It All ass hat. Not much info on this player since he DOESN'T HAVE A MIC! Gamer tags: various.
Stoner dude. Shmokin weed shmokin weed. A hilarious individual to play with. He doesn't give a fuck and always cracks jokes. Even if you're getting your ass beat, he's always there to say something fucked up to the other team and leave them speechless. Only downfall is that they are usually at parties or Sonic and not online often. Definitely worth playing with if you can find them. But they will usually find you. Gamer tags are usually funny but can be confused easily with the 12 year old wigger, so beware. Gamer tags: killertaint420, fatbitchluver420, chewbaccaballs420.
Well this concludes the current lesson, hopefully this helps. remember to play safely online and use the mute and ban features freely.
